Well it's official. I'm old. My mum is trying to marry me off. My mum. The one who not even two months ago would have given me a stern talking to about time and school before boys is now telling me not to count boys out and to give them a shot...'he may be the one you know'. So this scares me for more than the fact that I fear my mum has suffered a break-down, but because I'm not ready to get married. I'm too young. I don't know even what I want to do in the future let alone who I really am as a person. If I was ready to get married wouldn't I want to? Wouldn't I at least be looking for my husband? But I'm not. The thought of getting married any time soon sends chills up my spine...and not the good kind.

This brings me back to my road map theory. God, just tell me what to do...and I'll do it. But ya gotta make it clear casue when left to my own devices...well it's not a pretty picture. 

Philipians 4:6,7

"Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thansgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God witch trancsends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" 

I don't have much to say. I just want to write. About nothing in particular though. There is a stiring in my soul, but I haven't been able to put my finger on it just yet. Lots of changes coming my way, maybe I'm just nervouse. It's tugging me to where it is but everytime I get within arms reach of whatever it is, I can feel it floating away from me. I don't like it.

Psalm 40:2

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand"

It funny the thing you let slip away without a second thought. That memory you thought you would forever treasure. That friendship you thought you would hold onto until death. They just slip out of hands, and we're so busy that we don't notice and take time to swoop up the piece that are falling from our hands. It makes me think. What about the things that I hold to be important now? Will they matter in 5 years? Will they matter even in one? I wish I could go back and put the pieces back together. Reclaim the things I let drop. See into the future for the things I should tighten my grip on. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry mostly to you. You know who you are. Or do you? Did I think I showed you I cared more than I actually did? I know that now I don't. Our friendship is something I dropped. Something I miss terribly, and yearn for everytime I look up on my wall and see on my couch, or in our brand new skirts. Tomorrow is you birthday, and sending you that cheesy e-card just doesn't seem near enough.

So to you; my friend who taught me how to swear, made me spit my pepsi out countless times, livened up our popcorn with your feet, decorated my mum hair with frosty, stunk up my car with every perfum tester in K-mart; you are missed, and you are loved. You are in my heart, you always have been and you always will be. Although I'm to blame for dropping the ball, I want you to know that it was my favorite ball, and I hope one day we'll pick it up together. Piece by piece we'll come back together. Happy Birthday.

1 Corinthians 13:13

"And now these three things reamain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love"

So lately I have a had a huge feeling of discontent with my spiritual life. I know it's not up to par but I can't find the willingness to change it, or the 'formula' to follow to get where I should be. (yes, I am aware that the isn't actually a formula: thus the quotes, I just couldn't think of a better word).

I went with a friend the other day to see an i-max movie called 'bugs' (I promise this is relevant to the previous subject!) and it wasn't a cute as the poster made it look. It was actually gross but I learned a really valuable spiritual lesson that I am clinging to. The movie followed this catapillar's journey in the amazon, and it talked about all the other bugs that could eat it and how it survived etc. Anyways, the catapillar survives and becomes a butterfly and that made me think about how christians are always said to have made the catapillar-butterfly trasition when they accept Jesus. But the butterfly had it hard. It still had predators to worry about and it actually only lived two weeks before being eaten by a mantus. And then it hit me, or rather re-hit me as I knw this when I was younger: no one said christianity was easy. As christians we are gonna have predadtors, people waiting for us to turn our backs for a second so they can devoure us. It's not the pic-nic we had maybe hoped for. But that's ok. It's ok that I am going through a rough time because the important thing is that I'm not giving up. I'm holding on and soon I'll get off my leaf and fly the way I was ment to, but for now there's something holding me back. Just because I don't know what it is isn't going to stop me from perservering. God is real, God is love and I am desperate for God, I'm just not perfect. And that's ok.

Psalm 73:26

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" 

So today I got a word of encouragment from a friend. It was ment well and it was received well. But now I have a gross feeling in my stomach. Like the kind I get before I have to go to the dentist.

I know God is awsome and that he is the definition of love.

I know he has great plans for me. The spirit of the soverign Lord has anointed me....

But I don't strive for anything in him. I don't spend time in the word and honnestly for the majority of the time I don't hunger for the things of the Lord. I fear I have become luke warm. I don't know how or why it happened, but I think it did. And there is no room for lukewarm Christians in heaven.

But how does one practically change something like this? Do I force myself into the word, etc, and hope that something catches?

I know the word, and I never don't acknowledge God, so what do I do?

God know's my heart, maybe he can see something I can't.

Psalm 13:2

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?